Who You Can Actually Trust With Where You’re Going
Leaving isn’t something you can do entirely alone, and you shouldn’t have to. But not everyone in your life is safe to bring into it. This is about knowing the difference.
This ties directly into the Get Out part of our guide, the practical stage of actually getting to safety. Choosing who you trust with your plan is often the first real decision inside that process, before a bag is packed or a refuge is contacted.
What makes someone unsafe, even if they love you
A safe person isn’t just someone kind. It’s someone who will never, under any circumstances, side with him. That rules out more people than you’d think, not because they don’t care about you, but because they don’t understand what they’re actually being trusted with.
An unsafe person says things like “he’s just looking out for you,” or “is he really that bad,” even gently, even without meaning harm. An unsafe person tells him where you’re staying because they didn’t realise it mattered, or because they still see him as a friend too, or because they thought it would help “sort things out.” An unsafe person minimises what you’ve told them, even slightly, because it doesn’t match what they’ve seen of him socially.
None of that makes them a bad person. It makes them the wrong person for this specific thing.
Checklist: is this person safe?
Go through this with someone specific in mind. You don’t need every box ticked, but the red flags below matter more than any single green flag.
Signs someone is safe:
- They believe you the first time, without needing proof or an explanation of why you didn’t leave sooner
- They’ve never defended him, minimised what he’s done, or asked “but what did you do”
- They keep things you tell them completely private, including from other mutual friends or family
- They let you lead, they don’t pressure you to leave before you’re ready, or to stay because it would be easier for them
- They have the practical capacity to help, space to store a bag, a spare room, a car, availability at odd hours
- They’ve never contacted him, about anything, without checking with you first
- They stay calm when you tell them things, rather than reacting in a way that makes you manage their emotions on top of your own
Signs someone isn’t safe for this, even if they’re a good person generally:
- They’re close to him too, a mutual friend, his family, someone who socialises with him separately from you
- They’ve ever said anything that excused or explained away his behaviour, even once
- They gossip, even about small things, or can’t keep a confidence generally
- They try to fix things by talking to him directly
- They seem uncomfortable with conflict and might cave under pressure if he asked them directly where you are
- They’ve expressed doubt about whether what you’ve described is “really” abuse
Joint friends and family aren’t automatically safe
This is often the hardest part. A mutual friend, his sister, your own parent who’s always liked him, may genuinely love you and still not be safe for this. Loyalty and closeness to him, even unconsciously, can override their loyalty to your safety. It’s not disloyalty to leave them out of this. It’s protecting yourself.
A practical way to use a safe person
- Agree a code word with them, something ordinary-sounding, that means “I need help now” without needing to explain further
- Let them know your rough plan for leaving, where you’d go, who you’d call, so it already exists in more than one place if you can’t think clearly in the moment
- Ask if they’ll hold a bag for you, or take a call from you at any hour, without judgement
Why this matters even more after you’ve left
Leaving doesn’t automatically end the risk. Post-separation, some abusers escalate rather than stop, and knowing where you are becomes exactly the information he’ll try hardest to get. A safe person is someone who understands that protecting your location isn’t dramatic or paranoid, it’s necessary, for as long as it takes.
You don’t need a lot of safe people. Often, one or two is enough. What matters isn’t how many people know, it’s that the ones who do know can be trusted completely.
The Women’s Railroad is the original practical guide to equip women with the knowledge and options to navigate and leave domestic abuse.
