The Dictionary
Relationships and domestic abuse, A to Z
Abuse comes with its own language. Some of it is used by abusers, some by professionals, and some by the police, councils and courts. This dictionary explains these words in plain English, in one place, including slang from film, television and social media.
Key: n. noun, n. phr. noun phrase, n. pl. plural noun, adj. adjective, phr. phrase, abbr. abbreviation, informal everyday term, slang popular culture and dating slang.
Legal terms reflect the law in England and Wales. Where a definition comes from a specific law, the Act and section are given in brackets.
No terms match your search. Try a different word.
A
Behaviour by one person that harms, frightens, controls or degrades another. In a relationship it can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, economic or digital, and it is rarely a one-off. It usually forms a pattern that gets worse over time.
See also: domestic abuse, coercive control
A person who abuses another. The law and professionals often use the word perpetrator.
See also: perpetrator
Abuse by a child or teenager towards a parent or carer, including violence, threats, damage to property and demands for money. Where the young person is 16 or over, it can fall within the legal definition of domestic abuse, because parents and children are relatives.
See also: domestic abuse, personally connected
The person who asks a court for an order, for example a non-molestation order. The other person is the respondent.
See also: respondent, non-molestation order
When the police take a person into custody because they suspect an offence. After arrest, a person may be charged, released on bail with conditions, or released under investigation.
See also: bail, charge, released under investigation
Read: Reporting Domestic Abuse to Police: What Actually Happens
A codeword scheme that ran in participating pharmacies during and after the pandemic. Saying it at the counter let staff know you needed help. The Home Office ended the scheme on 4 November 2024, so it should no longer be relied on.
See also: safety plan
Read: Safe People: Who You Can Actually Trust With Where You're Going
In family law, someone with a close connection to another person, such as a current or former spouse or civil partner, a current or former cohabitant, someone they live or have lived with, a relative, someone they have agreed to marry, or someone they have had an intimate relationship with of significant duration. You must be associated with someone to apply for a non-molestation order against them (Family Law Act 1996, s62).
See also: non-molestation order, personally connected
B
A term of affection for a partner. It is often said to stand for “before anyone else”, though it is more likely a shortened form of “babe”.
Release from custody while a case continues, given by the police or a court. Bail conditions can include not contacting the victim and not going to a certain address. Breaking bail conditions can lead to arrest.
See also: pre-charge bail, released under investigation
Read: Reporting Domestic Abuse to Police: What Actually Happens
Deliberately provoking someone into an angry or upset reaction, so that their reaction can be used against them.
See also: reactive abuse, DARVO
A common name for a section 91(14) order, which stops a parent making further applications about a child without the court’s permission.
See also: section 91(14) order
A qualified lawyer who specialises in representing people in court and giving expert legal opinions. Barristers are usually instructed through a solicitor, though some can be instructed directly by members of the public.
See also: solicitor, McKenzie friend
A quirk in a partner that is neither good nor bad, just a little odd or dull. Not a warning sign.
See also: red flag, green flag
Making someone feel small, stupid or unimportant, for example by mocking their opinions, looks, intelligence or achievements.
See also: verbal abuse, emotional abuse, negging
Keeping someone interested as a back-up option, with just enough contact to stop them moving on, while looking for someone else.
See also: breadcrumbing, orbiting
A list of eight methods of coercion described by the sociologist Albert Biderman, from studies of prisoners of war. It is now widely used to explain coercive control in relationships. The eight methods are: isolation; monopolisation of perception; induced debilitation and exhaustion; threats; occasional indulgences; demonstrating omnipotence and omniscience; degradation; and enforcing trivial demands.
Origin: Published by Albert Biderman in 1957, from his study of US Air Force prisoners of war.
See also: coercive control, isolation, intermittent reinforcement
Read: What Is Biderman's Chart of Coercion, and Why Does It Look Like My Relationship
Making the victim feel responsible for the abuse, or for the abuser’s feelings and actions. “Look what you made me do” is a typical example.
See also: DARVO, gaslighting, guilt tripping
The number of people someone has had sex with. Asking about it, or judging a woman by it, is often used to shame and control.
See also: slut shaming
A message or call, often late at night, inviting someone over for sex.
Origin: First recorded in 1992.
See also: DTF, Netflix and chill
The limits a person sets about how they want to be treated, such as what is acceptable to say, do or ask of them. Repeatedly ignoring or punishing someone’s boundaries is a common sign of control.
See also: red flag, green flag, consent
Read: The Number 1 Question: Does This Mean My Boyfriend Is Controlling?
Gradually changing someone’s beliefs and sense of reality through repeated pressure, isolation and control.
See also: coercive control, gaslighting, isolation
Read: What Coercive Control Can Actually Look Like
Read: What Is Biderman's Chart of Coercion, and Why Does It Look Like My Relationship
Breaking the terms of a court order, bail conditions or an undertaking. Breaching a non-molestation order without reasonable excuse is a criminal offence (Family Law Act 1996, s42A).
See also: non-molestation order, contempt of court, undertaking
Giving small, occasional amounts of attention or affection to keep someone interested, without any real commitment.
Origin: First recorded around 2010.
See also: intermittent reinforcement, hoovering
Pressing or massaging a girl’s developing breasts with hot objects to flatten them or delay their growth. It is a form of child abuse.
See also: honour-based abuse, female genital mutilation
Someone who sees, hears or knows about abuse but is not directly involved. Friends, family, neighbours and colleagues are often bystanders.
Read: I Am Worried About My Friend. I Think Her Relationship Is Abusive.
Read: My Friend's Boyfriend Keeps Answering Her Phone and Saying She Is Not Available
C
The public body that advises the family court in England on what is safe for children and in their best interests. In Wales this is Cafcass Cymru.
See also: safeguarding letter, FHDRA, section 7 report, Child Impact Report
Read: What Is Cafcass and What Does It Do?
Read: Cafcass Asked If He's a Good Father. What Should I Say?
Abuse by someone who also provides care, such as withholding medication, mobility aids, food or personal care, or threatening to stop caring. When the carer is a partner or relative, it falls within the legal definition of domestic abuse.
See also: disability, domestic abuse, personally connected
Read: Domestic Abuse and Health Control: Why Your GP Matters More Than You'd Think
Read: Domestic Abuse in Older Women: What No One Is Talking About
Creating a fake online identity to draw someone into a relationship, sometimes to deceive them, exploit them or take their money.
Origin: Named after the 2010 documentary Catfish.
See also: romance fraud
The formal accusation that a person has committed a crime. In most domestic abuse cases, the decision to charge is made by the Crown Prosecution Service after the police investigate.
See also: arrest, Victims' Code
Read: Reporting Domestic Abuse to Police: What Actually Happens
Using drugs, often during long sessions, to enhance or prolong sex, most commonly among gay and bisexual men. It carries serious risks, including overdose, sexual assault when someone is too intoxicated to consent, and coercion or control by a partner.
A family court order deciding who a child lives with, spends time with or otherwise has contact with (Children Act 1989, s8). Where domestic abuse is raised, the court must follow Practice Direction 12J.
See also: Practice Direction 12J, prohibited steps order, fact-finding hearing
Read: Child Arrangements Orders: What They Actually Decide
Read: Proving Domestic Abuse Isn't the Same as Proving Risk to Your Child
A new way of running family court cases about children in England and Wales, previously called Pathfinder. Information is gathered at the start, the child is spoken to early, domestic abuse is looked at from the beginning, and cases need fewer hearings. First piloted in North Wales and Dorset in 2022, with a national rollout announced in March 2026.
See also: Child Impact Report, child arrangements order, section 7 report, special measures
A report written early in a Child Focused Courts case by a family court adviser or social worker after meeting and speaking with the child. It tells the court how the situation is affecting the child and what the child wishes and feels. In Child Focused Court areas it replaces the section 7 report.
See also: Child Focused Courts, section 7 report, child arrangements order
Under section 17 of the Children Act 1989, a child who is unlikely to reach or keep a reasonable standard of health or development without services from the local authority, whose health or development is likely to be significantly impaired without those services, or who is disabled.
See also: early help, section 47 enquiry, child protection plan
A meeting where professionals and the child’s parents share information, assess the risks to a child and agree a plan to keep them safe. In England, an initial conference should be held within 15 working days of the last strategy discussion.
See also: strategy discussion, child protection plan, section 47 enquiry
A plan agreed at a child protection conference that sets out what needs to change to keep a child safe, and what each agency and the family will do.
See also: child protection conference, child in need
Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 (s3), a child who sees, hears or experiences the effects of domestic abuse, and who is related to either the victim or the abuser, is treated as a victim of domestic abuse in their own right.
See also: domestic abuse
Read: Does the Family Court Have to Consider Domestic Abuse?
Arguments that go round and round without ever being resolved, often because the abuser changes the subject, denies what was said or turns the blame back on the victim.
See also: word salad, blame shifting, stonewalling
Describes a person whose gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth.
See also: transgender
The common name for the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, which allows the police to share information about a person’s history of abuse or violence. It works through the right to ask and the right to know.
Origin: Named after Clare Wood, who was killed by her former partner in February 2009. The scheme was rolled out across England and Wales on 8 March 2014.
See also: right to ask, right to know
Read: The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (Clare's Law): How to Ask About His Past
A pattern in which a person’s sense of worth and wellbeing depends on looking after, pleasing or rescuing someone else, often at great cost to themselves.
See also: trauma bond, walking on eggshells
Read: Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Feels Like Losing Something
Debt taken out in a person’s name through pressure, threats or fraud by a partner or family member. It is a form of economic abuse.
See also: economic abuse, financial abuse
Read: Financial Abuse: A 5 Question Quiz and What It Actually Looks Like
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
Using pressure, threats or intimidation to make someone do something they do not want to do.
See also: coercive control
A pattern of acts such as threats, humiliation, intimidation, isolation and monitoring, used to harm, punish or frighten a person and make them dependent. It takes away a person’s freedom and sense of self. When it meets the legal test, it is a crime.
Origin: Popularised by the sociologist Evan Stark in his 2007 book Coercive Control. It became a criminal offence in England and Wales in 2015.
See also: controlling or coercive behaviour, Biderman's Chart of Coercion, isolation
The mental discomfort of holding two conflicting beliefs at once, such as “he loves me” and “he hurts me”. It can make it very hard to see a relationship clearly or to leave.
See also: trauma bond, intermittent reinforcement
Read: Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Feels Like Losing Something
A person who lives with another as a couple without being married or in a civil partnership.
See also: associated person
A form of PTSD that can develop after repeated or long-lasting trauma, such as ongoing domestic abuse. As well as PTSD symptoms, it can affect self-worth, emotions and relationships.
Origin: Recognised in the World Health Organization's ICD-11 classification, in effect from 2022.
See also: post-traumatic stress disorder, trauma
Read: You Left. Now Who Are You? Rebuilding Yourself After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Agreeing by choice, with the freedom and capacity to make that choice (Sexual Offences Act 2003, s74). Consent can be withdrawn at any time. Being married or in a relationship does not mean consent.
See also: marital rape, sexual abuse, rough sex defence
Disobeying a court order or breaking a promise made to the court. Breaking an undertaking is contempt of court rather than a criminal offence.
See also: undertaking, breach
Read: What Is an Undertaking, and Is It the Same as a Non-Molestation Order
The criminal offence in section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. It is committed when a person repeatedly or continuously behaves in a controlling or coercive way towards someone they are personally connected to, the behaviour has a serious effect on the victim, and they know or ought to know it will. A serious effect means causing fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used, or causing serious alarm or distress that has a substantial adverse effect on day-to-day activities. The maximum sentence is five years. Since April 2023, the offence also covers former partners and family members who do not live together.
Origin: In force from 29 December 2015.
See also: coercive control, personally connected
Behaviour designed to make someone feel they are losing their mind, such as denying things, moving things, changing stories or reacting unpredictably.
See also: gaslighting, word salad
Questioning of a witness by the other side in court. In family proceedings, a person accused or convicted of domestic abuse is generally barred from cross-examining the victim in person. The court can appoint a qualified legal representative to ask the questions instead (Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s65).
See also: qualified legal representative, special measures
Read: Why Does Doing the Right Thing Feel So Wrong? Looking After Yourself Through Court
The court that deals with more serious criminal cases, such as rape. Trials there are heard by a judge and jury.
See also: magistrates' court, special measures
When someone takes over a vulnerable person’s home, often through friendship, threats or control, and uses it for their own purposes, such as dealing drugs or living there. Victims are often disabled, isolated or dependent. The Crime and Policing Act 2026, which received Royal Assent on 29 April 2026, creates a specific cuckooing offence.
Origin: Named after the cuckoo, which takes over other birds' nests.
See also: coercive control, disability, intimidation
The colder months, when people are said to look for a partner to settle down with, at least until spring.
Origin: First recorded in 2009.
See also: situationship
Sending someone an unwanted image or video of genitals, intending to cause alarm, distress or humiliation, or for sexual gratification. It is a criminal offence (Sexual Offences Act 2003, s66A).
See also: image-based abuse, tech abuse
Stalking using technology, such as repeated messages, tracking someone’s location, monitoring their accounts or creating fake profiles to contact them.
See also: stalking, tech abuse, GPS tracker
A pattern seen in many abusive relationships: tension builds, an incident happens, then the abuser apologises or becomes loving (the honeymoon phase) before tension builds again. Not every abusive relationship follows this pattern.
Origin: Described by the psychologist Lenore Walker in her 1979 book The Battered Woman.
See also: honeymoon phase, trauma bond
Read: The Cycle of Abuse: Why It Doesn't Just Stop After One Incident
D
Domestic Abuse Protection Notice. A notice the police can give a suspected abuser for immediate protection, for example banning contact with the victim or entry to a home. It gives immediate protection until a court hears the police application for a DAPO, which must happen within 48 hours.
Domestic Abuse Protection Order. A court order under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 that can prohibit contact, require the abuser to leave a home, and include positive requirements such as electronic monitoring. It has no fixed maximum length, and breaching it is a criminal offence with a maximum sentence of five years. DAPOs were piloted in some areas from November 2024 and are being rolled out across England and Wales from 25 November 2026, replacing DVPNs and DVPOs.
See also: DAPN, DVPO, non-molestation order
The dark triad with a fourth trait added: everyday sadism, meaning taking pleasure in other people’s pain or suffering.
Origin: Proposed in 2013 by the psychologists Erin Buckels, Daniel Jones and Delroy Paulhus.
See also: dark triad, psychopathy
A group of three overlapping personality traits linked to cold, manipulative and harmful behaviour: Machiavellianism, narcissism and psychopathy. Researchers use it to describe traits that people have to different degrees, not as a medical diagnosis.
Origin: Named by the psychologists Delroy Paulhus and Kevin Williams in 2002.
See also: Machiavellianism, psychopathy, dark tetrad, narcissistic abuse
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. A response in which the abuser denies the abuse, attacks the person who raises it, and claims to be the real victim.
Origin: Coined by the psychologist Jennifer Freyd in 1997.
See also: blame shifting, gaslighting, smear campaign
Domestic Abuse, Stalking, Harassment and Honour-Based Violence. A risk checklist that police and professionals use to judge how much danger a person is in. A high score can lead to a referral to a MARAC.
See also: MARAC, risk assessment
A fake image, video or audio made with technology to look or sound like a real person. Sharing a deepfake intimate image of someone without their consent is covered by the offence of sharing intimate images.
See also: image-based abuse, tech abuse
Read: He's Threatening to Share My Nude Photos, What Can I Do
The stage after idealisation when the abuser begins to criticise, withdraw affection from and put down the person they once seemed to adore.
See also: idealisation, discard, cycle of abuse
Read: The Cycle of Abuse: Why It Doesn't Just Stop After One Incident
Under the Equality Act 2010 (s6), a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on a person’s ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities. In the year ending March 2020, 17.5% of disabled women aged 16 to 59 in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse, compared with 6.7% of non-disabled women (ONS).
See also: carer abuse, intersectionality, protected characteristics
Read: Domestic Abuse and Health Control: Why Your GP Matters More Than You'd Think
When an abuser suddenly ends a relationship or drops the victim, often coldly and without explanation, after a period of idealisation and devaluation. It is often followed by hoovering.
See also: idealisation, devaluation, hoovering
Read: The Cycle of Abuse: Why It Doesn't Just Stop After One Incident
A term professionals use when parents or carers appear to co-operate with them, while the concerns about the child are not actually being addressed. The term is increasingly questioned, because it can be used without asking what is really causing the behaviour, including fear of an abuser.
See also: safeguarding, child protection plan
Feeling disconnected from yourself, your body or your surroundings, as if things are not real. It can be the mind’s way of coping with overwhelming stress or trauma.
See also: trauma, complex PTSD
The legal ending of a marriage. Since April 2022, divorce in England and Wales is no-fault, so you do not have to prove the other person’s behaviour, and they cannot contest it except in very limited cases.
Origin: No-fault divorce came into force on 6 April 2022.
See also: family court, legal aid
Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 (s1), behaviour by one person towards another where both are aged 16 or over, they are personally connected, and the behaviour is abusive. Abusive behaviour means physical or sexual abuse; violent or threatening behaviour; controlling or coercive behaviour; economic abuse; or psychological, emotional or other abuse. It can be a single incident or a course of conduct.
See also: personally connected, economic abuse, child victim
Read: Is This Abuse? 5 Types of What Domestic Abuse Can Actually Look Like
Read: My Boyfriend or Husband Is Abusive: What Are My Options in the UK?
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
The main law on domestic abuse in England and Wales. It created the first legal definition of domestic abuse, recognised children as victims in their own right, created DAPNs and DAPOs, and introduced the non-fatal strangulation offence, among other changes.
Origin: Received Royal Assent on 29 April 2021.
See also: domestic abuse, DAPO, non-fatal strangulation
An independent role created by the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 to monitor and improve how public bodies respond to domestic abuse.
See also: Domestic Abuse Act 2021
The former name for a review held after a death that has, or appears to have, resulted from violence, abuse or neglect by a relative, partner or household member, so that lessons can be learned. In England and Wales, these were replaced by domestic abuse related death reviews on 15 September 2026. Reviews already under way may continue under the old guidance.
See also: domestic abuse related death review
Forcing someone to work in a home, for example cooking, cleaning or childcare, through control, threats or by taking their documents or money. It is a form of modern slavery (Modern Slavery Act 2015).
See also: coercive control, economic abuse
An older term, often used to mean physical violence in the home. The law now uses domestic abuse, which also covers non-physical abuse such as coercive control and economic abuse.
See also: domestic abuse
1. Secret, as in “keep it on the down low”. 2. Describes a man, often in a relationship with a woman, who secretly has sex with men while presenting himself as straight. Being gay or bisexual is not abuse, but secrecy can leave a partner unaware of risks to her sexual health. Threatening to reveal someone’s sexuality without their consent, known as outing, is itself a form of abuse.
Abuse connected to a dowry, such as demands for more money or gifts from the woman’s family, and threats or violence when they are not met.
See also: honour-based abuse, economic abuse
Publishing someone’s private information online, such as their address, workplace or phone number, to frighten, harass or expose them.
See also: tech abuse, harassment
Rape or sexual assault carried out after the victim has been given drugs or alcohol without their knowledge, or while they are too intoxicated to consent. Memory loss is common, so many victims are unsure what happened. Some drugs leave the body within hours, so getting urgent medical help and asking for tests as soon as possible matters.
See also: spiking, consent, sexual assault referral centre
Down to fuck. Describes someone who is open to having sex, usually casually. Being described this way never means a person has consented to anything.
See also: consent
E
Support offered to children and families as soon as problems emerge, before they reach the level of child protection. In England it is voluntary and needs the family’s consent. Current guidance calls targeted early help Family Help.
See also: child in need, safeguarding
Behaviour that has a substantial adverse effect on a person’s ability to acquire, use or maintain money or other property, or to obtain goods or services (Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s1). Examples include controlling income, running up debt in the victim’s name, stopping them working, and refusing to pay for essentials.
See also: financial abuse, coerced debt
Read: Financial Abuse: A 5 Question Quiz and What It Actually Looks Like
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
Abuse of an older person by someone they should be able to trust, such as a partner, adult child or carer. When the abuser is a partner or relative, it falls within the legal definition of domestic abuse.
See also: domestic abuse, personally connected
Read: Domestic Abuse in Older Women: What No One Is Talking About
Behaviour that attacks a person’s sense of worth, such as insults, humiliation, constant criticism, threats and ignoring them. It is part of the legal definition of domestic abuse, alongside psychological abuse.
See also: psychological abuse, verbal abuse, silent treatment
Read: Emotional and Psychological Abuse: How He Makes Sure You Never Fully Leave
Using fear, obligation or guilt to control someone, for example threatening self-harm, or threatening to leave or to take the children, if the person does not comply.
See also: guilt tripping, coercion
Someone who, knowingly or not, helps abuse continue, for example by making excuses for the abuser, dismissing the victim or keeping the abuse secret.
See also: flying monkeys, bystander
Information that shows something happened. In abuse cases it can include messages, photographs, voicemails, medical records, diary entries and witness accounts. Keeping a careful record can make a real difference to police, court and housing decisions.
See also: keeping a record, fact-finding hearing
A prosecution that goes ahead using other evidence, such as body-worn video, photos, 999 recordings or witnesses, even if the victim does not want to give evidence or cannot.
See also: charge, withdrawal statement, evidence
Read: Reporting Domestic Abuse to Police: What Actually Happens
F
A family court hearing where the judge decides whether disputed allegations, such as domestic abuse, are true, before deciding arrangements for children.
See also: Practice Direction 12J, child arrangements order, evidence
Read: Proving Domestic Abuse Isn't the Same as Proving Risk to Your Child
The court in England and Wales that deals with family matters, including child arrangements, protective orders such as non-molestation and occupation orders, and finances after separation.
See also: child arrangements order, non-molestation order, occupation order
A trauma response in which a person tries to stay safe by pleasing, agreeing with or appeasing someone who is a threat. It sits alongside fight, flight and freeze.
Origin: Described by the psychotherapist Pete Walker in a 2003 article.
See also: walking on eggshells, trauma
Read: Emotional and Psychological Abuse: How He Makes Sure You Never Fully Leave
Cutting or otherwise injuring a girl’s or woman’s genitals for non-medical reasons. It is illegal under the Female Genital Mutilation Act 2003, including taking a UK national or resident abroad for FGM. The court can make an FGM Protection Order to protect someone at risk.
See also: honour-based abuse, forced marriage
Read: Female Genital Mutilation: How Do I Know If FGM Happened to Me
The killing of a woman or girl because she is female. In England and Wales, a partner or ex-partner is the most common suspect when a woman is killed: 42% of female homicide victims aged 16 and over in the year ending March 2024 (ONS).
See also: gender-based violence, domestic homicide review
First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment. The first hearing in a child arrangements case, where the court looks at safeguarding concerns and whether the parents can agree.
See also: Cafcass, safeguarding letter, child arrangements order, position statement
Controlling or misusing someone’s money, for example taking their wages, stealing from them, or forcing them to hand over bank cards. It is one part of the wider term economic abuse.
See also: economic abuse, coerced debt
Read: Financial Abuse: A 5 Question Quiz and What It Actually Looks Like
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
People the abuser recruits, knowingly or not, to pressure, spy on or criticise the victim on the abuser’s behalf.
Origin: From the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, in which the Wicked Witch sends flying monkeys to do her bidding.
See also: smear campaign, triangulation
Fear, obligation and guilt. The three feelings that emotional blackmail relies on to pressure someone into doing what the other person wants.
Origin: From Susan Forward and Donna Frazier's 1997 book Emotional Blackmail.
See also: emotional blackmail, guilt tripping
A marriage where one or both people do not, or cannot, consent and are pressured by threats, violence or emotional abuse. Forcing someone to marry is a criminal offence (Anti-social Behaviour, Crime and Policing Act 2014, s121). Since February 2023, it is also an offence to cause anyone under 18 to marry, even without force. The court can make a Forced Marriage Protection Order (Family Law Act 1996, Part 4A).
See also: honour-based abuse, consent
Friends who have a casual sexual relationship without being a couple.
See also: situationship
A man who pursues women for casual sex while leading them to believe he wants more, often charming at first and then disappearing or losing interest. Usually used as an insult.
See also: love bombing, future faking, breadcrumbing
Making promises about the future, such as marriage, a home or children, to win trust or keep a person in the relationship, with no intention of keeping them.
See also: love bombing, breadcrumbing
Read: Love Bombing: Why the Beginning Can Be the Warning Sign
G
Manipulating someone into doubting their own memory, perception or sanity, for example by denying things that happened or insisting the person is “too sensitive”.
Origin: From the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton and the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband dims the gas lights and then insists his wife is imagining it, to make her doubt her own mind.
See also: DARVO, blame shifting, psychological abuse
Violence or abuse aimed at someone because of their gender, or that affects one gender far more than others. Most gender-based violence is carried out by men against women and girls. It includes domestic abuse, rape and sexual violence, stalking, harassment, image-based abuse, forced marriage, honour-based abuse and female genital mutilation.
See also: violence against women and girls, domestic abuse, misogyny
Read: Is This Abuse? 5 Types of What Domestic Abuse Can Actually Look Like
Read: Is It Rape If It's Your Boyfriend?
Read: He's Threatening to Share My Nude Photos, What Can I Do
Read: Female Genital Mutilation: How Do I Know If FGM Happened to Me
Read: He Says He Didn't Mean to Hit Me, But How Do I Know This Is a One-Time Thing?
Gamma-hydroxybutyrate, a sedative drug sometimes called G or liquid ecstasy, often linked with GBL, which turns into GHB in the body. It has been used to spike drinks because it can cause drowsiness, confusion and memory loss. It can be very dangerous, especially with alcohol. It leaves the body quickly, so tests need to be done as soon as possible.
See also: spiking, drug-facilitated sexual assault, chemsex
Ending a relationship or friendship by suddenly cutting off all contact without explanation.
See also: orbiting, zombieing, no contact
A bag packed in advance with essentials, such as documents, medication, money, keys and phone chargers, kept somewhere safe in case a person needs to leave quickly.
See also: safety plan
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
An insult for a woman accused of being with a partner only for his money. Abusers sometimes use it to shame a woman for needing financial support, or to justify controlling her money.
Origin: This sense was first recorded in 1915.
See also: economic abuse, financial abuse
In an abusive family, the child who is favoured and praised, often in contrast to a child who is scapegoated.
See also: scapegoating, triangulation
A small device or app that shows where someone or something is. Abusers sometimes hide trackers in bags, cars or children’s belongings to follow a partner.
See also: stalkerware, cyberstalking, monitoring
Putting in effort to win someone over romantically.
Origin: Popularised by the reality series Love Island.
A sign that a partner is respectful and safe, such as accepting “no”, supporting your friendships, and owning their mistakes. The opposite of a red flag.
See also: red flag, beige flag
A way of responding to an abuser by being as dull and unreactive as possible, giving short, neutral answers so there is nothing to react to. It is sometimes used where some contact cannot be avoided, such as co-parenting.
Origin: Often credited to a 2012 article by a writer using the name Skylar.
See also: no contact
Building trust, dependence and secrecy over time so that abuse is easier to carry out and harder for the victim to recognise or report.
See also: love bombing, isolation
Making someone feel guilty so that they give in, for example “after everything I’ve done for you”.
See also: emotional blackmail, blame shifting
H
Conduct on at least two occasions that causes a person alarm or distress, which the person responsible knows or ought to know amounts to harassment. It is a criminal offence (Protection from Harassment Act 1997, ss1 and 2).
See also: stalking, restraining order
Sexual behaviour by children or young people that is developmentally inappropriate, or harmful to themselves or others. It needs a safeguarding response.
See also: sibling sexual abuse, safeguarding
High and horny. Used on dating and hook-up apps, especially between gay and bisexual men, to say someone is looking for sex while using drugs. It is closely linked to chemsex. A person who is heavily intoxicated cannot consent to sex.
Used by professionals to describe a victim judged to be at risk of serious harm or homicide, usually after a risk assessment. High-risk cases are often referred to a MARAC.
See also: DASH, MARAC, risk assessment
In housing law, you are homeless if you have no accommodation available that you can reasonably occupy (Housing Act 1996, s175). It is not reasonable to keep living somewhere if it is probable that this will lead to domestic abuse (s177). You are threatened with homelessness if you are likely to become homeless within 56 days.
See also: priority need, intentionally homeless, relief duty
Read: Staying With a Friend After Leaving: Does Sofa Surfing Affect Your Housing Help?
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
In the cycle of abuse, the period after an incident when the abuser is apologetic, loving or generous. It can make the victim hope the abuse will stop.
See also: cycle of abuse, trauma bond, intermittent reinforcement
Read: The Cycle of Abuse: Why It Doesn't Just Stop After One Incident
The murder of a person, usually a woman or girl, by family members who believe she has brought shame on the family. It is the most extreme form of honour-based abuse.
See also: honour-based abuse, femicide
Abuse carried out to protect or defend the perceived honour of a family or community, often punishing a woman for her choices about relationships, clothing or independence. It can include forced marriage and FGM.
See also: forced marriage, female genital mutilation, dowry abuse
When an abuser tries to pull a person back into the relationship after a separation or a period of no contact, through apologies, promises, gifts, or a crisis that demands attention.
Origin: From the idea of being sucked back in, like a vacuum cleaner.
See also: no contact, breadcrumbing, post-separation abuse
Surgery to reconstruct the hymen, often linked to pressure to appear a virgin before marriage. Since 1 July 2022 it has been a criminal offence in England and Wales to carry it out, offer it, or help someone to have it done (Health and Care Act 2022).
See also: virginity testing, honour-based abuse
Being constantly on high alert for danger, such as listening for a car pulling up or watching someone’s mood closely. It is a common effect of living with abuse.
See also: walking on eggshells, trauma
I
The early stage of an abusive relationship when the abuser puts the victim on a pedestal, making them feel perfect and adored.
See also: love bombing, devaluation, discard
Read: Love Bombing: Why the Beginning Can Be the Warning Sign
Abuse that targets who a person is, such as their sexuality, gender identity, faith, race or disability. It can include threatening to out someone, deliberately using the wrong name or pronouns, mocking a disability, or controlling how someone practises their faith.
See also: outing, spiritual abuse, emotional abuse
Read: Emotional and Psychological Abuse: How He Makes Sure You Never Fully Leave
Independent Domestic Violence Adviser. A trained specialist who supports victims at high risk of harm, often through the MARAC process, and through criminal and civil court cases.
Sharing, or threatening to share, intimate images or videos of someone without their consent. It is a criminal offence (Sexual Offences Act 2003, s66B). Threats to share can be used to control a person.
See also: cyberflashing, tech abuse
Read: He's Threatening to Share My Nude Photos, What Can I Do
Short for “involuntary celibate”. Someone, usually a man, who blames others, especially women, for their lack of romantic or sexual relationships. Some online incel communities promote hatred of women.
Origin: Coined in 1997 by a Canadian student, Alana, who started a website for people who struggled with dating. The meaning later shifted to describe misogynistic online communities.
See also: manosphere, red pill
A written safety plan made with a professional, tailored to one person’s situation and risks.
See also: safety plan, IDVA
Read: Safe People: Who You Can Actually Trust With Where You're Going
A court order telling someone to do, or not do, something. Non-molestation orders and occupation orders are types of injunction.
See also: non-molestation order, occupation order
In housing law, a person is intentionally homeless if they deliberately did, or failed to do, something that caused them to lose accommodation that was available and reasonable for them to occupy (Housing Act 1996, s191). Because a home is not reasonable to occupy where domestic abuse is probable, leaving because of abuse should not count as intentional.
See also: homeless, priority need
Read: Staying With a Friend After Leaving: Does Sofa Surfing Affect Your Housing Help?
The council’s duty to provide temporary accommodation straight away if it has reason to believe you may be homeless, eligible for assistance and in priority need (Housing Act 1996, s188).
See also: temporary accommodation, priority need
Unpredictable swings between cruelty and kindness. Because the kindness is occasional and unpredictable, it can create a powerful attachment to the abuser.
See also: trauma bond, honeymoon phase, breadcrumbing
Read: The Cycle of Abuse: Why It Doesn't Just Stop After One Incident
The way different parts of a person’s identity, such as race, gender, disability, class, faith or sexuality, overlap and shape their experiences. A disabled woman, a Black woman or a migrant woman may face extra barriers when trying to get help with abuse.
Origin: Coined by the legal scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw in 1989.
See also: misogynoir, disability
Frightening someone into doing what you want, for example through looks, gestures, shouting, smashing things, or harming pets.
See also: coercive control, threats
Cutting a person off from friends, family, work or support, so that they become dependent on the abuser and have no one to turn to. It is one of the methods in Biderman’s Chart of Coercion.
See also: coercive control, Biderman's Chart of Coercion
Read: My Friend's Boyfriend Keeps Answering Her Phone and Saying She Is Not Available
J
Feeling threatened by a partner’s relationships or attention to others. In abusive relationships, extreme or constant jealousy is often used to justify monitoring, accusations and isolation.
See also: possessiveness, monitoring, red flag
Read: The Number 1 Question: Does This Mean My Boyfriend Is Controlling?
A tenancy held in two or more names. Each joint tenant is responsible for the rent. In many cases, either joint tenant can end a joint tenancy by giving notice, which can end it for both, so get advice before acting.
See also: occupation order, homeless
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
The courts, laws and public bodies that deal with crime and legal disputes. In England and Wales it has three main parts relevant to abuse: the criminal courts, which decide whether someone is guilty of a crime; the family court, which deals with children and protective orders; and the civil courts, which deal with disputes such as money and property.
See also: family court, charge, Victims' Code
Read: The Case for a Domestic Abuse Assessor in the Courts
Read: A Dedicated Liaison Officer Is Not the Same as a Voice in the Courtroom
K
Writing down, saving and safely storing details of abusive incidents, such as dates, times, what happened, any injuries and any witnesses, so they can be used as evidence later.
See also: evidence
L
A state in which someone who has repeatedly faced painful or frightening situations they could not control stops trying to avoid them, even when escape becomes possible, because they have learned that nothing they do makes a difference.
Origin: Developed by the psychologist Martin Seligman in the late 1960s and 1970s.
See also: trauma, trauma bond, walking on eggshells
Government funding for legal advice and representation. Applying for a protective order, such as a non-molestation order, is within the scope of legal aid without needing evidence of abuse, although a means test still applies. The upper financial limit can be waived, but you may still have to pay a contribution. For other family cases, such as children or finances after separation, you usually need to provide evidence of domestic abuse as well as pass a means test.
See also: non-molestation order, evidence
Read: I Can't Afford a Solicitor: What Are My Options for Leaving an Abusive Relationship?
Read: Legal Aid Deserts: Where Can Victims of Domestic Abuse Turn?
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, and other sexual orientations and gender identities. Domestic abuse happens in LGBTQ+ relationships too, and can include threats to out someone.
See also: outing, identity abuse, transgender
The conditions an offender must follow after being released from prison, such as not contacting the victim or not entering a certain area. Breaking them can lead to recall to prison.
See also: probation, Victim Contact Scheme
Someone who represents themselves in court without a solicitor or barrister.
See also: McKenzie friend, position statement, legal aid
Using court proceedings to keep control of, harass or exhaust a former partner, for example by making repeated or unnecessary applications.
See also: post-separation abuse, section 91(14) order
A link to a council area, such as living or working there or having close family there. A council usually cannot refer you to another council if you, or someone who lives with you, would be at risk of domestic abuse in that area (Housing Act 1996, s198).
See also: homeless, temporary accommodation
Overwhelming someone with attention, affection, gifts and flattery early in a relationship, to win trust and commitment quickly. It often comes before control begins.
Origin: First used in the 1970s to describe how religious cults recruited new members.
See also: future faking, grooming, red flag
Read: Love Bombing: Why the Beginning Can Be the Warning Sign
The way a person most likes to give and receive love, usually described as words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service or physical touch. Abusers sometimes claim abuse, such as jealousy or monitoring, is their love language. It is not.
Origin: From the 1992 book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
See also: love bombing, jealousy
M
A personality trait marked by manipulating and using other people to get what you want, with little concern for honesty or for how others are affected. It is one of the three traits in the dark triad.
Origin: Named after Niccolo Machiavelli. The psychology measure was built from statements in his books.
See also: dark triad, manipulation
The court where all criminal cases start. Less serious cases are dealt with there, usually by magistrates or a district judge, without a jury.
See also: Crown Court, charge
Read: Reporting Domestic Abuse to Police: What Actually Happens
The council’s duty to secure accommodation for someone who is homeless, eligible, in priority need and not intentionally homeless, once the relief stage has ended (Housing Act 1996, s193).
See also: relief duty, priority need, intentionally homeless
Influencing someone’s thoughts or actions by unfair or dishonest means, such as lying, guilt or flattery.
See also: gaslighting, guilt tripping
A loose network of online spaces, influencers and forums focused on men’s issues, many of which promote controlling or hostile attitudes towards women.
Multi-Agency Public Protection Arrangements. The way police, probation and prison services work together to manage dangerous offenders in the community.
Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conference. A regular meeting where police, health, housing, children’s services and specialist advisers share information about victims at high risk of serious harm, and agree a plan to keep them safe.
See also: DASH, IDVA, risk assessment
Rape by a husband or wife. In 1991 the House of Lords confirmed that a husband can be guilty of raping his wife. Being married never means consent.
Origin: The House of Lords confirmed in 1991 that a husband can be guilty of raping his wife.
Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub. Used in some local areas, it brings together information that the police, children’s social care, health and other organisations already hold about a child or family, so a safeguarding decision can be made with the full picture.
See also: safeguarding, strategy discussion, section 47 enquiry
Someone who supports a person representing themselves in court, for example by taking notes and quietly giving advice. They generally cannot speak for you in court.
See also: family court
Read: I Can't Afford a Solicitor: What Are My Options for Leaving an Abusive Relationship?
A meeting where a neutral mediator helps separating couples reach agreement about children or money. It is often unsuitable and unsafe where there has been domestic abuse.
See also: MIAM, child arrangements order
Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting. A meeting usually required before applying to the family court about children or finances. Domestic abuse is one of the exemptions, so a victim does not have to attend.
See also: mediation, child arrangements order
Downplaying abuse, for example “it was only a push” or “you’re overreacting”. Abusers minimise to avoid responsibility, and victims sometimes minimise to cope.
See also: gaslighting, blame shifting
Copying someone’s interests, values, opinions and even mannerisms early in a relationship, to create a false sense of being a perfect match.
See also: love bombing, idealisation
Misogyny directed at Black women, where racism and sexism combine. It can affect whether Black women are believed, protected or taken seriously when they report abuse.
Origin: First used publicly by the scholar Moya Bailey in 2010.
See also: misogyny, intersectionality
Dislike of, contempt for, or prejudice against women. It can be open, such as insults and threats, or hidden in beliefs about what women should do, wear or put up with. Misogyny often sits underneath controlling and abusive behaviour.
See also: gender-based violence, manosphere, coercive control
Watching, checking or tracking a person, such as reading their messages, checking their phone, tracking their location or demanding to know where they are at all times.
See also: tech abuse, stalking, coercive control
Read: Is Checking My Phone and Messages Controlling Behaviour
Showering someone with intense affection and promises, then suddenly disappearing. A mix of love bombing and ghosting.
See also: love bombing, ghosting
Read: Love Bombing: Why the Beginning Can Be the Warning Sign
Changing the rules or conditions after someone has met them, so that they can never quite get it right.
See also: crazy making, gaslighting, walking on eggshells
Made to look foolish, disrespected or taken advantage of, especially by a partner.
Origin: Popularised by the reality series Love Island.
Migrant Victims of Domestic Abuse Concession. A government concession that gives some migrant victims, whose visa depended on their partner, temporary access to public funds while they apply to stay in the UK.
See also: no recourse to public funds
N
An informal term for abuse by someone who shows extreme self-importance, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy. Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis that only a qualified professional can make, but you do not need a diagnosis to recognise abusive behaviour.
Origin: From Narcissus, a figure in Greek myth who fell in love with his own reflection.
See also: gaslighting, love bombing
The attention, admiration, reactions or control that a narcissistic or abusive person seeks from others.
See also: narcissistic abuse
Giving backhanded compliments or small insults, such as “you’d be pretty if you smiled more”, to knock someone’s confidence and make them seek approval.
Origin: First recorded in 1998. The term comes from pickup-artist slang.
See also: belittling, love bombing
Read: Love Bombing: Why the Beginning Can Be the Warning Sign
An invitation to someone’s home that is understood to mean sex, not just watching television. Agreeing to come over is not consent.
Origin: Emerged online in the early 2010s and became hugely popular in 2015.
Cutting off all communication with an abuser, for example by blocking them on every platform. Where contact cannot be avoided, such as over children, people sometimes use grey rock instead.
An immigration condition that means a person cannot claim most benefits or housing assistance. It can make it very hard for migrant women to leave an abuser.
See also: MVDAC, safe accommodation
Describes a person whose gender is not exclusively male or female.
See also: transgender, cisgender
Intentionally strangling someone, or doing anything else that affects their ability to breathe. It is a criminal offence with a maximum sentence of five years (Serious Crime Act 2015, s75A), whether or not there is a visible injury. Strangulation is a major warning sign of future serious harm.
Origin: In force from 7 June 2022.
See also: physical abuse, rough sex defence, red flag
A family court order that stops someone using or threatening violence, or intimidating, harassing or pestering you or a child (Family Law Act 1996, s42). It can be made without notice in urgent cases, and there is no court fee. Breaching it without reasonable excuse is a criminal offence with a maximum sentence of five years.
See also: occupation order, without notice, undertaking
Read: What Is an Undertaking, and Is It the Same as a Non-Molestation Order
Making abusive behaviour seem ordinary or acceptable, so that the victim stops recognising it as abuse. Victims can also normalise abuse to cope.
See also: minimising, pattern of behaviour
Read: Is This Abuse? 5 Types of What Domestic Abuse Can Actually Look Like
O
A family court order that decides who can live in the home, and can exclude an abuser from it or from the area around it, even if they own or rent it (Family Law Act 1996, ss33 to 38). A power of arrest can be attached.
See also: non-molestation order, power of arrest
A process the police use to tell a trained member of school staff about a domestic abuse incident affecting a pupil, the day after officers have attended, so the school can offer support based on the child’s needs and wishes.
See also: child victim, safeguarding
When someone stops contacting you but keeps watching, liking or reacting to your social media, staying in your orbit.
See also: ghosting, benching, monitoring
Read: Is Checking My Phone and Messages Controlling Behaviour
Revealing someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their consent. Threatening to out someone is a way of controlling them.
See also: threats, coercive control
P
A contested term for a child rejecting a parent because of the other parent’s manipulation. Allegations of alienation are sometimes made in response to genuine allegations of domestic abuse. Family Justice Council guidance (December 2024) says courts should begin with any domestic abuse and look at alienation allegations through that lens.
See also: Practice Direction 12J, fact-finding hearing, litigation abuse
The legal rights, duties and responsibilities a parent has for a child, such as decisions about schooling and medical treatment (Children Act 1989, s3).
See also: child arrangements order, prohibited steps order
Persistent, habitual lying, often about things big and small, sometimes without any obvious reason.
See also: gaslighting, manipulation
A series of incidents that, taken together, show control or abuse, even if each one seems small on its own. Recognising the pattern is often the key to recognising coercive control.
See also: coercive control, keeping a record
The person who carries out abuse or a crime. Also called an abuser.
Read: Perpetrator Intervention Programmes: He's Not Fixed. He's Being Watched.
A course for people who have been abusive, aimed at changing their behaviour. Attending one does not mean someone is safe.
See also: perpetrator
Read: Perpetrator Intervention Programmes: He's Not Fixed. He's Being Watched.
Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 (s2), two people are personally connected if they are or have been married or in a civil partnership, have agreed to marry, are or have been in an intimate personal relationship, both have a parental relationship to the same child, or are relatives.
See also: domestic abuse, associated person
Using physical force against someone, such as hitting, pushing, kicking, biting, burning, restraining or strangling.
See also: non-fatal strangulation, domestic abuse
Read: He Says He Didn't Mean to Hit Me, But How Do I Know This Is a One-Time Thing?
Rejected or dumped, often bluntly.
Origin: Popularised by the reality series Love Island.
See also: mugged off
Someone who dates or sleeps with several people at once while letting each believe they are the only one.
See also: fuckboy, triangulation
A defendant’s answer to a criminal charge: guilty or not guilty. A not guilty plea usually leads to a trial.
See also: charge, Crown Court
Party and play. Slang on dating apps for having sex while using drugs. Another term for chemsex.
Keeping a partner hidden from your friends, family or social media, so the relationship stays secret or on your terms.
See also: isolation, situationship, red flag
Read: The Number 1 Question: Does This Mean My Boyfriend Is Controlling?
A short document, usually no more than three pages in children cases, that tells the judge what you want at the next hearing and why.
See also: FHDRA, litigant in person, child arrangements order
Treating a partner as a possession: wanting to control who they see, what they wear and where they go.
See also: jealousy, coercive control
Read: The Number 1 Question: Does This Mean My Boyfriend Is Controlling?
Abuse that continues or begins after a relationship ends, through harassment, stalking, financial control, using the children, or court proceedings. The period around separation is often the most dangerous time.
See also: litigation abuse, stalking, hoovering
A mental health condition that can develop after a frightening or distressing event, causing flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety and feeling constantly on edge. A GP can help with diagnosis and support.
See also: complex PTSD, trauma, hypervigilance
Read: You Left. Now Who Are You? Rebuilding Yourself After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
A term attached to an occupation order that allows the police to arrest the respondent without a warrant if they break the order.
See also: occupation order, breach
Rules the family court must follow in child arrangements cases where domestic abuse is alleged or admitted. The court must consider at every stage whether domestic abuse is an issue, and should make sure any order does not expose the child or the other parent to an unmanageable risk of harm.
See also: child arrangements order, fact-finding hearing
Read: Does the Family Court Have to Consider Domestic Abuse?
Bail given by the police while they investigate, before any decision to charge. Conditions can include not contacting the victim.
See also: bail, released under investigation
The council’s duty to take reasonable steps to help stop you becoming homeless, if you are threatened with homelessness within 56 days (Housing Act 1996, s195).
See also: relief duty, homeless
A category of people who get extra help under housing law. In England, since 5 July 2021, anyone who is homeless as a result of being a victim of domestic abuse has priority need (Housing Act 1996, s189(1)(e)). In Wales, this has applied since 27 April 2015 (Housing (Wales) Act 2014, s70(1)(e)).
See also: homeless, interim duty, main housing duty
Read: Staying With a Friend After Leaving: Does Sofa Surfing Affect Your Housing Help?
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
Supervision of an offender in the community, either instead of prison or after release. A probation officer makes sure they follow the conditions of their sentence or licence.
See also: licence, Victim Contact Scheme
A family court order that stops a parent taking a particular step about a child without the court’s permission, such as taking them abroad or changing their school (Children Act 1989, s8).
See also: child arrangements order
Accusing someone else of the very things you are doing yourself, for example an unfaithful partner constantly accusing the victim of cheating.
See also: blame shifting, DARVO
The nine characteristics protected from discrimination under the Equality Act 2010: age, disability, gender reassignment, marriage and civil partnership, pregnancy and maternity, race, religion or belief, sex, and sexual orientation.
See also: disability, intersectionality
Behaviour that damages a person’s mental wellbeing and sense of reality, such as gaslighting, threats, humiliation and constant criticism. It is part of the legal definition of domestic abuse.
See also: emotional abuse, gaslighting
Read: Emotional and Psychological Abuse: How He Makes Sure You Never Fully Leave
In personality research, a trait marked by impulsivity and thrill seeking, together with low empathy and low anxiety. It is one of the three traits in the dark triad.
See also: dark triad, dark tetrad
Q
A lawyer appointed by the family court to cross-examine a witness where a party is barred from doing it in person, for example where domestic abuse is alleged.
See also: cross-examination
R
When someone intentionally penetrates another person’s vagina, anus or mouth with a penis without their consent, and does not reasonably believe that they consent (Sexual Offences Act 2003, s1). It can happen within any relationship, including marriage.
See also: consent, marital rape, sexual abuse
When a victim reacts to long-term abuse by shouting or lashing out, and the abuser then uses that reaction to claim the victim is the abusive one.
See also: DARVO, blame shifting
An early warning sign that a relationship may become controlling or abusive, such as extreme jealousy, love bombing, isolating you from others, or anger at being told no.
See also: green flag, love bombing, jealousy
Read: Love Bombing: Why the Beginning Can Be the Warning Sign
Read: The Number 1 Question: Does This Mean My Boyfriend Is Controlling?
In the manosphere, the claim to have “woken up” to a supposed truth that women and society are against men. The phrase is taken from the film The Matrix.
Origin: From the 1999 film The Matrix, in which taking the red pill reveals the truth about the world.
See also: manosphere, incel
A safe house where women, and often their children, can stay after leaving an abuser. Its address is kept confidential.
See also: temporary accommodation, safety plan
When the police release a suspect without bail while they continue to investigate. Unlike bail, there are no conditions, so the suspect is not banned from contacting the victim.
See also: bail, pre-charge bail
Read: Reporting Domestic Abuse to Police: What Actually Happens
The council’s duty to take reasonable steps to help you secure accommodation if you are already homeless, usually for 56 days (Housing Act 1996, s189B).
See also: prevention duty, main housing duty, homeless
At a MARAC, a case is a repeat if there is any further instance of abuse between the same victim and abuser within 12 months of the last MARAC referral. The incident does not have to be a crime, violent or threatening.
See also: MARAC, high risk, pattern of behaviour
Controlling a person’s decisions about pregnancy, for example by sabotaging contraception, pressuring them to become pregnant, or forcing them to continue or end a pregnancy.
See also: sexual abuse, coercive control
The person an application is made against, for example the person a non-molestation order is sought against.
See also: applicant
An order made by a criminal court when someone is convicted of an offence, to protect a person from harassment or fear of violence. It can also be made when someone is acquitted, to protect a person from harassment. Breaching it is a criminal offence.
See also: harassment, stalking
A common but misleading name for sharing intimate images of someone without their consent. Many people avoid the term because it suggests the victim did something to deserve “revenge” and that the images are pornography. The preferred term is image-based abuse, and it is a criminal offence.
Origin: First recorded in 2007.
See also: image-based abuse, tech abuse
Read: He's Threatening to Share My Nude Photos, What Can I Do
Describes a partner who is loyal no matter what. It can be used to pressure a woman to stay with, cover for or defend someone who is abusing her.
See also: trauma bond, emotional blackmail
Under Clare’s Law, the right to ask the police whether a partner, or the partner of someone you know, has a history of abuse or violence.
See also: Clare's Law, right to know
Read: The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (Clare's Law): How to Ask About His Past
Under Clare’s Law, the police can decide to tell you about a partner’s history of abuse or violence without being asked, if they believe you may be at risk.
See also: Clare's Law, right to ask
Read: The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (Clare's Law): How to Ask About His Past
A structured judgement of how much danger a person is in, usually made by police or professionals using a checklist such as DASH.
Charm or the ability to attract a romantic partner. Short for “charisma”.
Origin: Named Oxford word of the year for 2023.
See also: love bombing
A brand name for flunitrazepam, a strong sedative widely known as a “date rape drug” or “roofie”. It can cause drowsiness, confusion and memory loss, which is why it has been used to spike drinks.
See also: spiking, drug-facilitated sexual assault, GHB
A scam where someone builds an online relationship, often under a fake identity, to manipulate the victim into sending money or personal information.
See also: catfishing, economic abuse
The claim that a victim consented to violence during sex. It is not a defence: a person cannot consent to serious harm, meaning actual bodily harm or worse, for sexual gratification (Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s71).
See also: consent, non-fatal strangulation
S
Accommodation for victims of domestic abuse, such as refuges and other specialist housing. Councils in England have a legal duty to assess the need for support for victims living in safe accommodation, and to provide that support (Domestic Abuse Act 2021, Part 4).
See also: refuge, temporary accommodation
Read: Staying With a Friend After Leaving: Does Sofa Surfing Affect Your Housing Help?
Action taken to protect children and adults at risk from abuse, harm or neglect.
See also: child victim, section 47 enquiry
A short report Cafcass sends the court before the first hearing, setting out its police and local authority checks and any welfare concerns raised.
See also: Cafcass, FHDRA, section 7 report
Read: What Is Cafcass and What Does It Do?
Read: Cafcass Asked If He's a Good Father. What Should I Say?
A personal plan for staying as safe as possible while in, leaving, or after leaving an abusive relationship, covering things like safe places, trusted contacts, a go bag and code words.
Read: Safe People: Who You Can Actually Trust With Where You're Going
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
A council scheme that adds extra security to a victim’s home, such as stronger doors and locks, so that they can stay there safely.
See also: occupation order, homeless
Singling one person out to take the blame for problems in a relationship or family.
See also: blame shifting, golden child
An investigation by children’s services when there is reasonable cause to suspect a child is suffering, or likely to suffer, significant harm (Children Act 1989, s47).
See also: safeguarding, child victim
A report the family court orders on a child’s welfare to help it decide child arrangements, written by a family court adviser or a local authority social worker (Children Act 1989, s7). In Child Focused Court areas, it is replaced by a Child Impact Report.
See also: child arrangements order, Child Impact Report, Child Focused Courts
A family court order that stops a parent making further applications about a child without the court’s permission (Children Act 1989, s91(14)). It can protect a victim from repeated, unnecessary applications.
See also: litigation abuse, barring order
A police term for someone reported to the police as having committed or threatened domestic abuse against two or more victims, such as current or former partners or family members.
See also: abuser, pattern of behaviour, Clare's Law
Read: Perpetrator Intervention Programmes: He's Not Fixed. He's Being Watched.
Sending sexual messages, photos or videos. Pressuring someone to sext, or sharing what they send without consent, is abuse, and sharing intimate images without consent is a criminal offence.
See also: image-based abuse, sextortion, consent
Read: He's Threatening to Share My Nude Photos, What Can I Do
Threatening to share intimate images or videos of someone unless they pay money, send more images or do what they are told.
See also: image-based abuse, threats
Read: He's Threatening to Share My Nude Photos, What Can I Do
Any sexual activity without consent, including rape, sexual assault, pressuring or forcing sexual acts, and sexual humiliation. It is part of the legal definition of domestic abuse.
See also: consent, rape, reproductive coercion
Intentionally touching someone sexually without their consent, when the person does not reasonably believe they consent (Sexual Offences Act 2003, s3).
See also: rape, consent, sexual abuse
A specialist centre where people who have been raped or sexually assaulted can get medical care, forensic examination and support, whether or not they decide to report to the police.
Pressuring, guilting, threatening or manipulating someone into sexual activity they do not want. Consent given under pressure is not freely given.
See also: consent, reproductive coercion, sexual abuse
Sexual behaviour between brothers and sisters, including step and half siblings, that is unwanted, pressured, or involves a power imbalance such as age, size or development. It is a form of child sexual abuse, it is often hidden within families, and the child it happens to is never to blame. Where both siblings are aged 16 or over, it also falls within the legal definition of domestic abuse, because siblings are relatives.
See also: harmful sexual behaviour, sexual abuse, safeguarding
A woman someone is seeing in secret alongside their main partner. Also called a side piece.
See also: triangulation
Deliberately refusing to speak to or acknowledge someone, often for hours or days, to punish or control them.
See also: stonewalling, emotional abuse
An insult for a man seen as doing too much to please a woman. In manosphere spaces it is used to mock men for showing women kindness or respect.
Origin: Used as an insult in hip-hop lyrics from the late 1980s, and went mainstream through a TikTok trend in December 2019.
See also: manosphere
A romantic or sexual relationship that has no clear label or commitment.
Origin: First recorded in 2008.
See also: friends with benefits, breadcrumbing
Criticising or insulting a woman for her sexual behaviour, clothing or perceived sexual history. It is often used to humiliate and control.
See also: body count, verbal abuse
Spreading lies or damaging stories about a victim to friends, family, employers or professionals, so that the victim is isolated and less likely to be believed.
See also: flying monkeys, DARVO, isolation
A secret sexual partner or hook-up that is kept hidden from others.
See also: situationship
Hinting at a new relationship on social media without showing the partner’s face or name. A hard launch is announcing the relationship openly.
A qualified lawyer who gives legal advice, prepares cases and paperwork, and can represent you in some courts. In family cases, such as applying for a non-molestation order, a solicitor is usually your first point of contact, and may instruct a barrister to speak for you in court.
See also: barrister, legal aid
Read: I Can't Afford a Solicitor: What Are My Options for Leaving an Abusive Relationship?
Help for vulnerable or intimidated witnesses to give evidence, such as screens, a live video link, or a pre-recorded interview (Youth Justice and Criminal Evidence Act 1999). In the family court, victims of domestic abuse are presumed to be vulnerable and eligible for similar help (Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s63).
See also: cross-examination, Victims' Code
Read: Why Does Doing the Right Thing Feel So Wrong? Looking After Yourself Through Court
Putting alcohol or drugs into someone’s drink, food or body without their knowledge or consent. It is a crime, and the Crime and Policing Act 2026 creates a specific offence of administering a harmful substance, including spiking.
See also: consent, sexual assault
Using religion or belief to control, shame or frighten someone, for example claiming that their faith requires obedience, or stopping them practising their faith.
See also: coercive control, honour-based abuse
An arrangement where Universal Credit, normally paid to one person in a couple, is split between both partners. It can be requested in exceptional circumstances, including domestic or economic abuse.
See also: economic abuse, financial abuse
Read: Financial Abuse: A 5 Question Quiz and What It Actually Looks Like
Software secretly installed on a phone or computer that lets someone read messages, track location or listen in.
See also: tech abuse, monitoring, stalking
A pattern of fixated, obsessive and unwanted behaviour, such as following, repeated contact, watching, loitering or monitoring someone online. It is a criminal offence (Protection from Harassment Act 1997, ss2A and 4A). The police can apply for a Stalking Protection Order.
See also: harassment, monitoring, post-separation abuse
A civil order the police can apply for at a magistrates’ court to protect someone from a person who has carried out acts associated with stalking and poses a risk of stalking. A fixed-term order lasts at least 2 years. Breaking it without reasonable excuse is a crime, with a maximum of 5 years in prison (Stalking Protection Act 2019).
Origin: Introduced by the Stalking Protection Act 2019, in force in England and Wales from 20 January 2020.
See also: stalking, restraining order, breach
Secretly removing or damaging a condom during sex without the other person’s agreement. It can amount to a sexual offence.
See also: consent, reproductive coercion
A popular term for a victim developing positive feelings towards, or loyalty to, the person harming them. It is not a formal diagnosis.
Origin: Named after a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, where hostages defended their captors.
See also: trauma bond, cognitive dissonance
Read: Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Feels Like Losing Something
Shutting down and refusing to engage in a conversation or disagreement, leaving the other person unable to resolve anything.
See also: silent treatment
A discussion between agencies such as children’s social care, the police and health, held when a child may be at risk of significant harm, to understand what the child needs and decide how to protect them quickly. It is where a section 47 enquiry is usually started.
See also: section 47 enquiry, child protection conference, MASH
A younger person, usually a woman, who receives money, gifts or a lifestyle from an older, wealthier partner in exchange for company or sex. The imbalance of money and power can leave her dependent and open to control.
See also: sugar daddy, economic abuse
An older, wealthier man who gives money or gifts to a younger partner in exchange for company or sex. The power and money imbalance can make these relationships controlling or exploitative.
Origin: First recorded in 1926.
See also: economic abuse, coercive control
Time a child spends with a parent while another adult watches, often at a contact centre, used where there are concerns about the child’s safety.
See also: child arrangements order, fact-finding hearing
Read: Proving Domestic Abuse Isn't the Same as Proving Risk to Your Child
A person who has experienced abuse. Many people prefer survivor to victim because it recognises their strength, and both words are valid.
See also: victim
Read: You Left. Now Who Are You? Rebuilding Yourself After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
A prison sentence that the offender does not serve straight away, provided they keep to certain conditions and do not reoffend.
See also: restraining order, probation
T
Using technology to abuse, such as tracking someone’s location, reading their messages, controlling their accounts, using smart home devices, or sharing intimate images.
See also: stalkerware, image-based abuse, monitoring
Read: How Do I Know If My Ex Is Tracking My Phone
Read: Is Checking My Phone and Messages Controlling Behaviour
Short-term housing the council provides while it looks into your homelessness application or until longer-term housing is found. The accommodation must be suitable for you and your household.
See also: interim duty, homeless, refuge
Guide: the original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.)
A sudden feeling of being turned off by a partner, often triggered by something small.
Origin: Comes from a 1999 episode of Ally McBeal. It became common dating slang in the late 2010s, helped by Love Island.
A photo or video posted online to attract attention or admiration.
Origin: First recorded in 2011.
Statements of intent to cause harm, such as threats to hurt you, the children or pets, to report you to authorities, to share private images, or to harm themselves. Threatening behaviour is part of the legal definition of domestic abuse.
See also: intimidation, emotional blackmail
Describes a relationship or person that is harmful or draining. It is a useful everyday word, but it can also hide the seriousness of abuse. A relationship involving control, fear or violence is abusive, not just toxic.
Origin: Named Oxford word of the year for 2018.
See also: domestic abuse, red flag
A safeguarding term for three issues in a household: domestic abuse, parental mental ill health, and parental drug or alcohol misuse. Researchers have criticised the term as weakly evidenced and stigmatising, and parents have described it as offensive.
See also: safeguarding, child in need
Short for “traditional wife”. A woman, often an online influencer, who promotes traditional gender roles such as staying at home and deferring to her husband. Critics point out that it can make financial dependence look desirable.
Origin: First recorded around 2016.
See also: economic abuse
Describes a person whose gender is different from the sex they were assigned at birth. Trans people can experience domestic abuse, including abuse that targets their identity.
See also: cisgender, identity abuse, outing
The lasting emotional and physical response to a deeply distressing or frightening experience, such as abuse. It can affect sleep, memory, concentration, relationships and trust.
See also: post-traumatic stress disorder, trauma-informed
Read: You Left. Now Who Are You? Rebuilding Yourself After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
A strong emotional attachment to an abuser, formed through repeated cycles of abuse and affection. It can make leaving very hard, even when the person knows the relationship is harmful.
Origin: From research on "traumatic bonding" by Donald Dutton and Susan Painter, published in 1981.
See also: intermittent reinforcement, cycle of abuse
Read: Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Feels Like Losing Something
Describes support or services that recognise the effects of trauma and try to avoid causing further harm, for example by offering choice, privacy and patience.
See also: trauma
Bringing a third person into a relationship, such as an ex or a new interest, to create jealousy, insecurity or competition.
See also: flying monkeys, jealousy
U
A promise made to the court, instead of the court making an order, for example a promise not to contact the applicant. A power of arrest cannot be attached, and breaking it is contempt of court rather than a criminal offence. The court should not accept an undertaking where violence has been used or threatened and an order is needed to protect the applicant (Family Law Act 1996, s46).
See also: non-molestation order, contempt of court
Read: What Is an Undertaking, and Is It the Same as a Non-Molestation Order
Taking a photo or video under someone’s clothing, without their consent, to see their genitals or buttocks, for sexual gratification or to humiliate, distress or alarm them. It is a criminal offence (Voyeurism (Offences) Act 2019).
Origin: Became a criminal offence on 12 April 2019.
See also: image-based abuse
Read: He's Threatening to Share My Nude Photos, What Can I Do
V
Using words to hurt, frighten or degrade, such as name-calling, shouting, threats, mocking and constant criticism.
See also: emotional abuse, threats
A person who has been harmed by abuse or a crime. The law uses victim, and many people also use survivor.
See also: survivor, Victims' Code
Suggesting that a victim caused or deserved abuse, for example by asking what she did to provoke it or why she didn’t leave.
See also: blame shifting, survivor
Read: Why Does Doing the Right Thing Feel So Wrong? Looking After Yourself Through Court
A scheme for victims of serious violent or sexual offences where the offender is sentenced to 12 months or more in prison. A Victim Liaison Officer keeps you informed about key stages of the sentence, and can tell you about release conditions that relate to you or your family.
See also: Victims' Code, Victim Personal Statement
A statement giving a victim the chance to explain, in their own words, how a crime has affected them. It is considered by the court when sentencing.
See also: Victims' Code
The Code of Practice for Victims of Crime in England and Wales, which sets out the rights victims have from the criminal justice system, such as being kept informed and being able to make a Victim Personal Statement.
See also: Victim Personal Statement, Victim Contact Scheme
Read: A Dedicated Liaison Officer Is Not the Same as a Voice in the Courtroom
The term used in England and Wales for crimes and abuse that disproportionately affect women and girls, including domestic abuse, rape and sexual offences, stalking, harassment, forced marriage, honour-based abuse and female genital mutilation.
See also: gender-based violence, domestic abuse
Read: Is This Abuse? 5 Types of What Domestic Abuse Can Actually Look Like
Read: Is It Rape If It's Your Boyfriend?
Read: Female Genital Mutilation: How Do I Know If FGM Happened to Me
An examination claiming to check whether a woman or girl is a virgin. It has no medical basis. Since 1 July 2022 it has been a criminal offence in England and Wales to carry it out, offer it, or help someone to have it done (Health and Care Act 2022).
See also: hymenoplasty, honour-based abuse
W
Constantly watching what you say and do to avoid upsetting a partner. It is a common sign of living with control or abuse.
See also: coercive control, red flag
Pretending to be unable to do tasks, such as childcare, cooking or housework, so that the other person is left to do them.
Origin: Also called strategic incompetence.
A statement a victim gives to the police saying she no longer wants to support a prosecution. The prosecution may still continue if there is enough other evidence.
See also: evidence-led prosecution, charge
Read: Reporting Domestic Abuse to Police: What Actually Happens
Describes a court application heard without the other person being told first, used when telling them could put the applicant at risk. If an order is made, there is a later hearing where the other person can respond.
See also: non-molestation order, ex parte
Confusing, circular or contradictory talk during an argument, used to leave the other person too exhausted and confused to make their point.
See also: circular conversations, gaslighting, crazy making
Z
Our three guides are on the Get Help page.
© IMGG Ltd 2026 | The Women’s Railroad | Created 13 October 2026