She has just told you. Maybe it came out in a rush, or maybe she said it so quietly you nearly missed it. Either way, your friend, sister, daughter or colleague has told you that he is hurting her.
You don’t need to have the answers. You don’t need to fix it tonight. The Women’s Railroad is built around three stages: Get Money, Get Out, Get Rid. This article shows you where you fit in each one, and how to point her to the guides that walk her through them.
It doesn’t have to be physical to count
What she describes may not sound like the abuse you have seen on TV. That doesn’t make it any less real.
In England and Wales, the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 says abuse can be any of these:
- physical or sexual abuse
- violent or threatening behaviour
- controlling or coercive behaviour
- economic abuse, such as controlling her money
- psychological, emotional or other abuse
It can be a single incident or a pattern over time. Both of them must be aged 16 or over, and they must be personally connected. That includes partners and exes, whether or not they ever lived together, as well as relatives and people who share a child.
Controlling or coercive behaviour is also a crime in its own right. It has been an offence since 29 December 2015. Since 5 April 2023, it also covers ex-partners who no longer live together, so it can still count after they have split up. The maximum sentence in the Crown Court is five years in prison.
Your first step: put the route in her hands
The most useful thing you can give her is not your opinion of him. It is the whole route, laid out, so she can see what is possible and move at her own pace.
Send her The Women’s Railroad guides, written for women in England and Wales. The original guide takes her through all three stages. Keep A Record shows her how to document what he does. Non-Molestation Applications: What’s the Catch is the one to read before she applies for a non-molestation order. Read them yourself too, so you understand what is ahead of her and where you can help.
When she leaves, and whether she leaves, has to be her decision. The guides let her plan without anyone deciding for her, including you.
Get Money
If he controls what she earns, spends or owns, she may not be able to see how she would manage on her own.
That control is abuse in its own right. Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, economic abuse is any behaviour that seriously affects her ability to get, use or keep money or property, or to get goods or services. It counts in England and Wales whether or not he has ever been violent.
If what she tells you is about money, point her to the Get Money stage of the original guide. It shows her how to start building what she needs, quietly, before she makes any move.
Get Out
You might be the person she trusts with where she is going, or the sofa she sleeps on for the first few nights.
If she stays with you, she may worry that the council won’t see her as homeless. Read Staying With a Friend After Leaving together. It explains why a temporary stay with you doesn’t change why she is homeless, and what she should tell the council.
She may have more right to housing help than she thinks. In England, someone who is homeless because of domestic abuse has had priority need under homelessness law since 5 July 2021. Wales has its own housing law.
Point her to the Get Out stage of the original guide for leaving safely. And read Safe People yourself, so you know what being trusted with her plans asks of you.
Get Rid
Getting out is not always the end of it. Get Rid is about the legal protection that keeps him away from her once she has gone.
Point her to the Get Rid stage of the original guide, which covers the legal protection open to her, including Domestic Abuse Protection Orders. Keep A Record shows her how to document what he does, and What’s the Catch is the one to read before applying for a non-molestation order. If they share children, the TWR Family Court Line walks her through the family court stop by stop.
There is also one thing you can do yourself, explained below.
You can ask the police about his past
Under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, often called Clare’s Law, you can ask the police whether he has a history of violence or abuse. This is the Right to Ask, and it applies across England and Wales. You don’t have to be the woman at risk to use it. A friend or relative can apply out of concern for her.
There are limits you should know before you ask:
- You may not be the one who is told. The police only share information with the person best placed to protect her. That is usually her. If it isn’t you, you won’t receive the information, and you won’t be told whether anything was shared.
- Whoever is told must keep it confidential. They can only use it to keep her safe, not pass it on.
- It takes up to 28 days. That is the maximum the police should take to complete the check.
Read more in our article on Clare’s Law and how to ask about his past.
Go deeper
- The Women’s Railroad guides: the original guide, Keep A Record, and Non-Molestation Applications: What’s the Catch.
- The Dictionary: plain explanations of the legal and relationship terms you may come across.
- I Am Worried About My Friend. I Think Her Relationship Is Abusive. The signs to look for if she hasn’t told you yet.
- Safe People: Who You Can Actually Trust With Where You’re Going Who she can trust when she is ready to leave.
- The TWR Family Court Line: if they share children, the family court process stop by stop.
