Why Does Doing the Right Thing Feel So Wrong? Looking After Yourself Through Court

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You applied for the order. You made the statement. You told the truth. So why do you feel like the one who has done something terrible?

If that is where you are, nothing has gone wrong with you. This article explains why the right thing can feel wrong, how to protect your mental health while your case goes through the courts, and why you should stay involved in your own case. Our guides, on the Get Help page, are there to help you do that.

Why the right thing can feel wrong

For a long time, keeping the peace was how you stayed safe. You learned to smooth things over, take the blame and put his reactions first. Going to court breaks every one of those rules at once. The alarm you feel comes from that old training. It is not your conscience speaking.

A few things feed it:

  • Guilt. You may still care about him, or about what this does to the children and the wider family.
  • Doubt. If you were told for years that you exaggerate or imagine things, you will question yourself now. Our article on gaslighting explains how that doubt is built.
  • Grief. You are losing the relationship you hoped for, even if you are not losing the one you had.
  • Fear. Standing up to someone who punished you for it before is frightening, however right it is.

Feeling guilty does not mean you are guilty. A feeling tells you what you have lived through. It does not tell you whether your decision was correct.

Why court is hard on your mind

Court is slow, formal and repetitive. You are asked to describe the worst moments of your life in writing and then again out loud. You wait weeks for dates. You may read things he has said about you that are untrue.

None of that means you are failing to cope. It means the process is hard.

Looking after yourself while it happens

  • Expect the dips. The days before a hearing, the day you read his statement and the day after court are often the lowest. Knowing that in advance takes some of the fear out of it.
  • Choose when you read court papers. Pick a time of day when you have support and something to do afterwards. Not last thing at night.
  • Protect the basics. Sleep, food and some movement are the first things to slip. They are also what keeps you steady enough to get through a hearing.
  • Tell one person the dates. Someone who will check in before and after, without needing the whole story each time.
  • Write it down. Getting events out of your head and onto paper helps you think, and it helps your case. Our guide, Keep A Record, shows you how.
  • Tell your GP what is happening. They can support you, and it means someone outside the case knows what you are living through.
  • Plan hearing days. How you will get there, who will be with you, what you will eat and what you will do afterwards. Ask in advance whether you can wait in a separate area from him.

Do not hand everything to your solicitor

It is tempting to pass the whole thing over and try not to think about it. It feels like protecting yourself. In practice, not knowing what is happening is one of the biggest sources of anxiety in a court case.

Your solicitor has many cases. You have one. Nobody knows the facts of your life better than you do.

  • Read everything before it goes in your name. Your statement is yours. If something is wrong or missing, say so and ask for it to be changed.
  • Ask what each step means. What is this hearing for? What happens next? What could go wrong?
  • Ask about costs early. Our guide, Non-Molestation Applications: What’s the Catch, explains a risk many women are never told about.
  • Keep your own copies of every document, letter and order.
  • Learn the words. When you understand the language, you can follow your own case and spot when something is not right.

This is not about distrusting your solicitor. A good one wants a client who understands her case. And if you are representing yourself, all of this matters even more.

Knowing is how you get your footing back

So much of what happened to you was done by keeping you in the dark. Understanding your own case is the opposite of that. It will not make court easy, but it puts you back in the room as the person the case belongs to.

The Women’s Railroad is the original practical guide to equip women with the knowledge and options to navigate and leave domestic abuse. Start with the guides on the Get Help page.

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