At some point, Cafcass may ask whether you think your ex is a good father,or whether you think he would ever hurt the children. Knowing what to say to Cafcass before that moment comes can change how your words are read. Many women answer: “He’s abusive to me, but I don’t think he’d ever hurt the kids.”
It can feel like the fair thing to say. But that one sentence can carry more weight than you expect.
Why that answer matters
You may not want to look bitter, or be accused of trying to keep the children from their dad. But think about what that sentence does once it is written into the safeguarding letter or report that goes to the judge. You have just told the court, in your own words, that you see no risk to the children. That sentence can be quoted back to you, and it can make the abuse you describe look like something that only happened between the two of you.
Now ask yourself honestly: did you ever expect him to hurt you? Most women never did. They did not expect the control, the threats or the violence until it was already happening. If you could not predict what he would do to you, you cannot promise what he will or will not do to your children. Saying “I don’t think he would” is a guess, and it is a guess the court may treat as your evidence.
Tell the whole truth
This does not mean you should exaggerate or say anything untrue. Always tell the truth. The point is to tell the whole truth, without minimising it. The truth is often closer to this:
- “I can’t say he wouldn’t. I never thought he would do what he did to me.”
- “I don’t know what he is capable of. Here is what he has done.”
- “The children saw and heard what happened in our home, and it has affected them.”
Then move from opinion to facts. Describe what he did, when, how often, and whether the children were there or affected. Facts are harder to dismiss than feelings, and they let Cafcass and the court judge the risk for themselves.
How this might make you feel
- Torn between being honest and being “fair” to him
- Afraid of sounding bitter or vindictive
- Guilty, because the children love their dad
- Nervous that you will freeze or forget things on the call
How this can show up on the call
- You hear yourself defending him or explaining his behaviour away
- You give opinions (“he’s not that bad”) instead of facts
- You leave out incidents because they feel too small or too old
- You hang up and remember everything you meant to say
How to prepare for Cafcass
- Write your key points down before the call. The call may be short and can come close to the hearing. A list stops you forgetting things when you are nervous.
- Build a simple timeline. Dates, what happened, and whether the children were present or affected. Start with the most serious incidents.
- Gather your evidence. Messages, emails, photos, police reference numbers, GP or hospital visits, and anything school has raised. You don’t need everything, but know what you have.
- Take notes during the call. Write down the date, the time, the name of the person you spoke to and what you told them.
- Say if you are frightened. Tell Cafcass if you are scared of your ex, or worried about being at court with him. Fear is part of the picture they need to see.
- Don’t soften what happened to sound reasonable. Calm and factual is good. Playing it down is not.
- Get legal advice. Cafcass cannot give legal advice. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you may be able to get legal aid for advice about your children, as long as you can show evidence of the abuse and meet the financial eligibility rules.
You know him better than anyone
Cafcass may only speak to your ex once or twice. You lived with him. You know what he is like behind closed doors, because you were there. Your job is not to predict the future or to sound neutral. It is to tell the truth about what happened, clearly and without shrinking it, so the people deciding your children’s future can see the full picture.
Go deeper
- Dictionary: Cafcass, safeguarding letter, minimising, evidence, child victim, litigant in person, legal aid
- Read: What Is Cafcass and What Does It Do?, Does the Family Court Have to Consider Domestic Abuse?, What Is a Position Statement in the Family Court?, DARVO: When Being Believed Becomes the Fight, I Can’t Afford a Solicitor: What Are My Options for Leaving an Abusive Relationship?
- Guides: Keep A Record shows you how to build the timeline and evidence Cafcass will want to hear about, and our original practical guide (Get Money. Get Out. Get Rid.) covers your legal options in England and Wales. You can find them on our Get Help page.
The Women’s Railroad is the original practical guide to equip women with the knowledge and options to navigate and leave domestic abuse.
